REFRAME, day 2: Growing up, I went to 10 different schools. At the age of 11 I was sent away from home, and I can’t pinpoint exactly where I lived at any given time from the age of 14 until high school graduation. There was no certainty in my life.
So, I like to be in control. I like to know what’s coming, and to have some sense of security. I have learned to hold on tightly to things I don’t want to lose.
“Live and let live” has been thrown out the window when it comes to the things I care about. I’m a fighter.
The problem is, when I hold on to anything for dear life, that means my hands are tight, closed fists. There’s no room for anything else in my death-grip. I’m hyper focused. And when my strength isn’t enough, when I’m crowbarred open and forced to lose it all, it HURTS. Also, I’m left with some broken and busted up fingers.
I’ve been feeling pretty mangled up lately. I’ve experienced loss, and my hands are empty.
But… my hands are also open.
So tonight, my reframe is this: my word of the year, as my sister so lovingly pointed out to me last night, was humility (of course).
I looked up humility, and what it means – what it might mean for me. Here’s the thing: it’s not about thinking less of myself. It’s about reliance on God; holding onto God; giving my hands and my fear a break; knowing that God is good and kind and gentle.
How can I do that when I’m gripping tightly and focusing fiercely on something else?
So here I am, hands and heart bruised up but open, letting go. My fingers and heart are healing. And I know that there’s peace ahead.